If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
