I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
