just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
