Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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