oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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