As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Ladies don't puke and tell
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
