Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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