perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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