I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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