Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
being pregnant is like rehab
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
