My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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