What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
