Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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