he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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