just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
