Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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