If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
