Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
