Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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