your parents love me but you hate me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Randomize
