As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
