ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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