Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
