I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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