i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They are going to name an STD after you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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