You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
