i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
