I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
