I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
