the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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