Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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