i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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