You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Randomize