can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
