wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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