i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
