So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I deserve this hangover.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
