I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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