I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
