Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
