Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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