Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
