I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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