what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
