quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
