one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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