Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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