You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
