i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hippo gnu deer
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
