Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
