i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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