I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
