This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize