i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
