Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
