I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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