I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
