girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize