peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just high enough for therapy.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
