Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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