I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize